Ever heard of  “ethnocentrism?” It basically means you think your way is the best way – or the only way. Ethnocentrism is measuring another culture against your own, and it’s not at all compassionate.

Here is a simple example: “Hebrew is read backwards!” Actually it is read right to left, and who says that is backwards? Only someone applying an ethnocentric measurement of English against Hebrew.

Everyone does this to some degree. It crops up in many areas. One way to overcome it is to pay attention to our vocabulary. A careful choice of words can make a big difference. Any ideas? Please comment!

I go to college, and I am old enough to be the mom of many of my classmates. Occasionally someone off campus will say, “isn’t it annoying to have to go to school with those kids; they think their lives are so stressful and they have no idea what real life is like…”

Uh, no?

Actually, I enjoy my classmates very much, they are some of my dearest friends. I don’t see their lives as particularly carefree.  A lot of life-altering decisions are made during young adult years; education, family, career, lifestyle, and location, location, location.

I am not denying that my life is stressful, I am just saying theirs is too. And yours. Comparing stress levels as greater or less than isn’t very compassionate. It’s better to lift up and support one another.

Happy helping!

My son is a big, solid boy. Even as a baby people would say, “You have quite the football player there!” I usually responded, “Or a very intimidating accountant.”

I learned to react this way from my brother, who was nearly 7 feet tall  — although he would not divulge his exact measurements. (He got really sick of people asking.) He had little interest in basketball but was an amazing computer scientist and history buff.

I know sports is very important to our culture, let’s get over the idea that a certain body type must be involved in certain activities. As we try to have an open, diverse society, it seems we could allow people to be what they want, despite their appearance.

Ultrasound is wonderful addition to the modern pregnancy experience.  You get to see your child! Medically, they are critical. This diagnostic test can determine many medical concerns, allowing immediate treatment or time to prepare for the future. There are many situations where the mother or child’s life may be saved.

Which brings me to a big pet peeve of mine. I regularly hear, “Oh, you (I, we) don’t care if it is a boy or a girl, as long as it’s healthy.” Um… shouldn’t ‘unhealthy’ be all right too? Of course we would not wish for our infant to have problems, but I would not reject a child based on his or her physical condition. I doubt most of the expectant parents you know would either.

So how about we lose that particular comment? Just as we have tried to eliminate the preference for certain genders, let’s be more accepting of different health conditions too.

This is a totally lame post. I am in the middle of final exams at school and will not produce good writing for you today.

The cool thing is I don’t feel guilty about it! Balance is critical for a good life, and the last few weeks I have been focused on writing my research paper. Which is excellent, by the way. A forthcoming section on Watch Yourself Blink will include scripts from presentations and writing that I’ve done in various settings. Look for a link soon!

Have a wonderful day!

There are a lot of food sensitivities and special diet needs out there. The holiday can be an especially difficult- when tradition and social pressures come together with food.

Ask what your friends must or want to avoid, and support them. Don’t take it personally if they don’t eat your favorite family treat. Telling them to just have a little, or questioning the reality of their sensitivity isn’t very nice.

It IS especially nice to offer a replacement (fine chocolates for the gluten intolerant) add to your buffet spread (fresh fruit is welcome in many diets) and pay attention to detail (avoiding nuts when baking for some families.) Sugar free candies are easy to find and look just as pretty in a dish.

Sometimes, people stay home from holiday gatherings to avoid the potential food problems. Repeatedly explaining your dietary needs can take all the fun out of a celebration. Let’s involve everyone with a little effort and  respect.

Certain times of year are especially sensitive – Mother’s day, Christmas, Memorial Day, etc. Additionally, people will have their own personal dates that bring painful memories or thoughts of “what could have been.”

Back to school can be one of those times. For those who have been unable to bear children, or their child died before school age, it can be heart breaking to see families eagerly preparing for the new school year. Similarly, the parent of a ill or disabled child ache for lost possibilities. That is not to say these parents haven’t handled their grief or seen their blessings, it’s just a time when the wounds can be opened afresh.

Keep this in mind as you make small talk or visit with dear friends. The lady in the store may wish she had your stress of buying school clothes. Your neighbor might be struggling to find adult day care for their child, and appreciate the chance to share their experience.

I thought peer pressure was a teen thing, something we stopped applying when we grew up. BUZZ, wrong answer!

Why do we think that others should be like us? If I say I need an early bedtime, or don’t like golfing, or prefer to eat vegetarian, why do others insist I sleep, eat, and relax as they do? (Notice none of these examples are dangerous to anyone.)

People actually spend considerable time thinking about their likes and dislikes, discovering their needs and their values. It’s kind of crazy how we rush to say, “Well, I went hiking two weeks after I gave birth!” Congratulations. I am not you.

May I suggest we change our responses? Ask genuine questions: “Why did you choose…?” Offer validating statements: “So you feel better doing…?” Even state your direct support: “Wonderful! You know yourself best!”

Wouldn’t that be nice to hear?

We do our best to avoid the politically incorrect stereotypes – race, gender, age – while forgetting others that, while causing no great harm, still aren’t very nice.

For example, height. Sure, it is a cultural positive to be taller, but that doesn’t mean anyone enjoys being asked how the weather is up there for the thousandth time. Moreover, maybe they don’t even like basketball. Ever tried to buy clothing, furniture, or shoes when your height is above average?

This is not meant as a sob story, and only the most self absorbed tall person would make it so. It’s just that people like to be treated as individuals. They enjoy discussing all of their interests, not just the obvious associations to their body type. Noticing the whole person shows a lot of kindness.

A basic for compassionate listening: Stop trying to change other people’s emotions. Surprisingly often we hear, “Well, don’t feel like that!”- immediately  followed by why and what one should feel instead.  When someone says, “I miss my daughter who is away at camp. I wonder if she will make friends there.” We reply, “Don’t worry, she will be fine. Be happy she gets to go with so-and-so.”

Put simply, this does not help. People like to express themselves and to be heard. If it were as simple as “don’t worry” they wouldn’t be bringing up the subject in the first place. Better to ask open ended questions: “When did she leave?” “Does she struggle to make friends?” “Who does she already know at camp?”  Maybe they will come to the same conclusions you thought of, but allowing them explore their emotions – rather than insisting they change them, now – shows true compassion.